the defective detective farm
by Insufferable git-face
Summary: Oh, GOD. Not ANOTHER Wammy one-shot collection! Because, really, in between over imaginative Mello, not so innocent bystander Matt, suicidal A, psycho B, indifferent L, artsy Linda, and a very sheepy Near, who knows the possibilities! rating for Mello
1. Not in that way

This first chapter is brought to you buy SPORKS! Yes, sporks never let you down...anyway, this contains in jokes, so you might not get it. just don't flame me because "i cant undrstan, so it mus b stoopd!"

Disclaimer: I do NOT own death note, or any of its characters. I do own the jokes, so no copying!

Birds chirping, the sun casting its warm ray's on the playroom of a certain genius orphanage. A perfect scenic picture, right? That's what Matt thought. That is, until he saw a certain number one genius sitting in the middle of the floor. Now, that in itself wasn't what was bothering Matt. What _was_ though was the fact that near was sitting on the floor, BUTT NAKED, and playing with two Barbie dolls that _mysteriously _looked like him and near.

"What. The. FUCK, man." He said. Near looked his way, with a blank expression.

"Oh, hello Matt. Would you care to play too?" Near said, looking down again, and continuing his doll make-out session.

"Hell no. I just wanted to see if you knew where Mello was?" Matt asked, looking away from Near's very…Sheepy figure.

"Where whosa-whatsit?" Mello said, coming out of nowhere.

"JESUS CHRIST WITH A HEAD OF LICE, MELLO!" Matt freaked out.

"Matt, we talked about this. He's the son of God, so that means he has all of heaven and earth to care for his hair." Mello said, smiling at the epic ownage of his best friend.

"Riiight…let's just get out of here." Matt shuddered, heading for the door.

"Why the hell would I want to d- Oh." Mello said, looking to find that near had turned his doll playing into a threesome. "Ah, touché."

"Damn straight." And with that, they left, Near still continuing his Barbie threesome.

Later that night, Mello and Matt were sitting in their room, studying, when Mello suddenly snickered.

"What?" Matt asked, putting down _advanced calculus for dummies!_ Volume 1.

"Oh nothing, nothing…" Mello replied, and they went back to studying. A few more minutes passed, and Mello chuckled again.

"Okay seriously dude, what the f-"Matt looked to Mello's spiral notebook, and saw a stick figure of him getting fucked by a stick figure of near.

"WHAT THE FUCK! I DON'T LIKE NEAR IN THAT WAY, MELLO!"

THE END.

Okay, so this was chapter one…umm, wish me luck on it, and don't be afraid to review! Seriously, I need you guys to tell me where I stand on how I write!

~Insufferable git-face.


	2. Accursed game

HERE I COME BACK FROM THE DEA- OH, OH! HOLY CRAAAAP…*ahem* Anyway. I have risen from the bowels of the nether to bring you this nutritious meal of fanfiction! Chock-full of vitamin who-gives-a-crap™! This time, things are turning dark...or not.

* * *

One fine day, or not so fine as it was pouring outside, there was a commotion in the orphanage for geniuses known as Whammy's house. It just so happened that a certain red-headed, be-goggled, videogameophile had just purchased a new game, Brain Training (dear God, SAVE OUR SOULS!), and was plugging it into his DS for the very first time. Matt was all rainbows and puppy dawgs as he started the game. "okay, let's see here…," He mused out loud, "4."

He had answered the first question correctly.

"Aww yeeah!" His confidence was obvious.

"Ookay, next question…hmm…Orange….What? I said orange, dumb game!," Matt was growing more and more irritated,

"Orange, Goddammit! ORANGE! OOOOORRRRRAAAANNNGE! OR-ANGE! GAAAH, FUCK!" Red faced, and more pissed off than a chocolateless Mello, Matt spent several more minutes screaming orange bloody murder at the game in question, before he passed out from exhaustion.

* * *

Later that week, Mello was walking the halls of Whammy's, fuming with rage. Like always, Near had managed to piss him off by merely existing and, not having had Matt with him at the time, Mello could easily have exploded the heads off a good dozen babies with nothing but his rage. Storming down the hallways as always(heh), he came upon a door. The door in question was nothing special. However, the sounds coming from behind it, like a feral animal, were. Mello busted the door open, and descended into his and Matt's room. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to turn the light on, and he tripped on a particularly large pile of chocolate bars on his side of the room. Cursing like there was no tomorrow, Mello limped his way over to Matt's bed.

"MATT! MATT, YOU ASS-MUNCH, WAKE UP!" Mello screamed. Not a sound was heard from the bed. Now even more pissed(as if that was possible), Mello ripped the sheet off of his gamer friend. The sight that met Mello was horrifying. Matt, having not eaten, or showered in a week, was looking quite…ripe. He was laying on his side, facing the wall, in the fetal position, and clutching a rectangular object to his chest.

"Orange…orange…oooorraaanngeee…oorange…"Matt was chanting, over and over, while rocking himself.

"What in the fuck-damned hell?" Mello inquired rather tastefully. After Mello had fetched Roger, Matt got physical and psychological attention, and life had returned to normal. Well, more or less. After that ordeal, Matt had the accursed game crammed into a box in the far recesses of his, and Mello's, closet. That is, until several months later, Matt gave it as a birthday gift to a rather sheeply individual…

* * *

DUN DUN DUN! Well, there you have it, folks. I finally got around to updating this godforsaken cesspool of insanity. In addition to _that_, this is also the prequel to my one-shot "A Near perfect birthday," as requested by Ghostly Priestess Kikyo.

Review, fave, whatevs ~Insufferable git-face.


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